I experienced trauma in childhood - now known as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) from a study that began in 1994 by CDC & Kaiser Permanente.

I also experienced domestic abuse in several relationships from early adulthood, the most severe of which was during pregnancy, perpetrated by the biological father. This gave rise to birth and post-partum trauma. Both mysef and my daughter were at risk of death and an emergency c-section was performed.

The degree to which I'd been silenced since childhood manifested in vocal chord paralysis just after my daughter was born. I was unable to utter a sound for six months and and had to have speech therapy whilst trying to recover from the c-section with a baby that would not feed or sleep. I had zero emotional support at the time.

My daughter developed 'neurological disorders', had severe meltdowns and did not sleep for the first five years of her life. I instinctively knew, but for years we were turned away by the NHS. She's now been on the waiting list for ASD assessment for two years!

After 36 years of living with the legacy of childhood trauma, the pregnancy / birth trauma and my daughter's challenges pushed me over the edge. My sympathetic nervous system was in over-drive. I was physically, mentally and spritually exhausted. Unsurprisingly, I was diagnosed with a chronic health condition. I was bed-bound for extended periods when my daughter was 3yrs-6yrs old. I was forced to give up my beloved work as yoga teacher. I lost my sense of identity, I lost friends. My world shrank. 

Here's where it gets even harder. I had no emotional support, as I was quite new to the area where we lived, and I had very little practical support. The only support available to me was largely from the very people who had abused me throughout my life. Of course this only served to perpetuate and compound the toxicity, co-dependency and classic trauma responses. Co-regulation then was impossible.

If that wasn't enough, I had to move house eight times in the first eight years of my daughter’s life because her biological father persisted in discovering where we lived each time. We lived with alarms on our doors and windows. 

To further exacerbate matters, between 2012 and 2021, I was forced to endure two separate rounds of oppressive family court proceedings and deal with police investigations and sexual violence support workers. It’s fair to say that family court proceedings can be more traumatising than the original abuse.

There were times I felt sure we wouldn't survive. But we did. Something inside me refused to break. I instinctively knew I had to fight for myself and my daughter. The deepest part of me believed I was worthy of safety, love and peace, despite my external world showing evidence to the contrary.